I am this. I am that. I can be like this, I can be like that. I can lick this or I can spit on that. I can talk, do shit talk and shut up. I can laugh out so loud and even cry a lot. I can move out but I want to stay. I want to talk more but I’m scared to do that. I am loving but I’m cold. I am clean but I am messed up. I’m feeling it but I’m scared to trust. I can see it coming but I’m afraid to let it begin. I can hate you now but I want to like you, and then love you. I am sure but I am confused. I can be simple but I’m complicated. I’m taking control but I’m never driven. I am so broke and so I need extra cash. I can be lousy and I can be extreme. I am like this now. I am like that now, so mixed up. And since I am mixed up, I need your patience ‘cause I need to divert this way.
I am currently going out with new people nowadays, not to get confuse with a special date. It’s not an exceptional something between these people; it’s just casual talks, there, we can put it that way. You know it’s amazing to know your friends a lot more than deeper, but meeting new different kinds of people especially those outside your attention are like wow. It’s like your interests are hype. You get to resort on poles apart situations such as creating an image for this person, next fascinating issues you’ll be talking about, yourself in front of them, the perplexity in opting what to wear, like you’re in an another world, et cetera. But regardless of that, meeting new people for me is one and the same to learning. You learn about them, their perspective over yours, you even learn more about yourself and discover things you didn’t even know you can or you would. But it hasn’t been that easy for me to let people in (in my life…and that would mean knowing me deeply and knowing them deeply or let’s call it creating the bond), ‘cause I don’t know. Maybe reality sucks that it fucking scares me they won’t stay. So to speak, reality bites these days.
Me and my other friends we’re actually talking about that stuff, you know, how do you manage waking up without any goal at all? It’s as if you walk like a zombie. The feeling was like you go out and join a huge crowd of people, and as you look into their faces you don’t know who to trust, whom you’ll smile at, you’ll tell stories with, wave at, whom you’ll go with, whom you’ll shake hands, and all these faces fascinates you ‘cause you want to do all of these but scares you more and you choose to bail out. And just lots of stuff I won’t be able to write here. When I said on the first lines that I’m feeling it, and I’m just scared to trust…I do really am. And am still gonna try. Am gonna hold on to it. I think I still can.