How scary it is to say I need that smile, that i'm-not-sure-if-i-will-smile face, that is-that-you?-with-big-wondering-eyes look, that god dammit aloof face that intimidates me, and that, and these, and those, and these, and that, that, that, those, those, those, that, that, these, those, that, those, these, these, fucking all of these. And what I mean is just YOU.
How come you're a remedy for all that's been hurting me?
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
What now?
I hope for “again.” Call me whatever but I am seriously hoping for it. You know the feeling of waking up…again…in the morning and you know that this day is gonna be alright, that you’re gonna be okay, and somewhere around the corner something special is gonna happen, and things just feels so right. I want it.
I’m sitting on my own today, here, where I used to sit with someone, with my friends, with strangers, anyone…and as I watch these people, I thought how fleeting happiness could be, and in just a snap, without you seeing it coming through, could possibly turn wine and tears dating. Now I wonder, how do you call the feeling between happiness and sadness? You know when you feel nothing, nothing at all and excitement is dead, and the world is so happy and full of love wherein you’re supposed to feel that way too, and you’re supposed to say something…but nothing comes out, both from your mouth and your heart. I think that’s the worst of all the worst feeling.
So, most of the people you can see right now are group of friends hanging out, boyfriends and girlfriends holding hands, students playing, students rushing, security guards roaming, some loners like me, (but if you reached here reading, then you didn’t leave me, then I’m not one of them.haha) and these hundreds of people (including you) who only exist in the imaginations of all the people who is in here.
Sometimes you try to live in the present, but sometimes you just got stuck in what’s in your head, and you think what could have been? Or it could have been…Sometimes it’s not about this or that, nor my friends, family, my dogs, what clothes to wear, my hair that I spend 30 minutes to dry, my freakin’ lame rotten computer, those sale season on my favorite store, heat of summer, the humid weather, lil fight with my brother, doing the laundry, etc… but sometimes it’s about those things that is out of your life. And you wonder how will you let them in. And when circumstances gave a chance for you to let them in, you will start to wonder now how to make them stay.
I’m sitting on my own today, here, where I used to sit with someone, with my friends, with strangers, anyone…and as I watch these people, I thought how fleeting happiness could be, and in just a snap, without you seeing it coming through, could possibly turn wine and tears dating. Now I wonder, how do you call the feeling between happiness and sadness? You know when you feel nothing, nothing at all and excitement is dead, and the world is so happy and full of love wherein you’re supposed to feel that way too, and you’re supposed to say something…but nothing comes out, both from your mouth and your heart. I think that’s the worst of all the worst feeling.
So, most of the people you can see right now are group of friends hanging out, boyfriends and girlfriends holding hands, students playing, students rushing, security guards roaming, some loners like me, (but if you reached here reading, then you didn’t leave me, then I’m not one of them.haha) and these hundreds of people (including you) who only exist in the imaginations of all the people who is in here.
Sometimes you try to live in the present, but sometimes you just got stuck in what’s in your head, and you think what could have been? Or it could have been…Sometimes it’s not about this or that, nor my friends, family, my dogs, what clothes to wear, my hair that I spend 30 minutes to dry, my freakin’ lame rotten computer, those sale season on my favorite store, heat of summer, the humid weather, lil fight with my brother, doing the laundry, etc… but sometimes it’s about those things that is out of your life. And you wonder how will you let them in. And when circumstances gave a chance for you to let them in, you will start to wonder now how to make them stay.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Remaining Open to Love by P.L.
My friend came to me and was like.. "hey Maya...:'''( look at this.. this is so awesome..and sweet..and.." and asked me to read it. I was just touched by all these lines.
from LIKE THE FLOWING RIVER by Paulo Coelho
There are times when we long to be able to help someone whom we love very much, but we can do nothing. Circumstances will not allow us to approach them, or the person is closed off to any gesture of solidarity and support.
Then all we are left with is love. At such times, when we can do nothing else, we can still love - without expecting any reward or change or gratitude.
---These first lines are just for real. Sometimes the issue is not about the person not wanting your love, but your role in their lives that will allow you to do what you want to do. Simply...you're not the one who's gonna do it. It's somebody's role.
If we do this, the energy of love will begin to transform the universe about us. Wherever this energy appears, it always achieves its ends. 'Time does not transform man. Will power does not transform man. Love transforms,' says Henry Drummond.
I read in the newspaper about a little girl in Brasília who was brutally beaten by her parents. As a result, she lost all physical movement, as well as the ability to speak.
Once admitted to hospital, she was cared for by a nurse who said to her every day: 'I love you.' Although the doctors assured her that the child could not hear and that all her efforts were in vain, the nurse continued to say: 'Don't forget, I love you.'
Three weeks later, the child recovered the power of movement. Four weeks later, she could again talk and smile. The nurse never gave any interviews, and the newspaper did not publish her name, but let me set this down here, so that we never forget: love cures.
Love transforms and love cures; but, sometimes, love builds deadly traps and can end up destroying a person who had resolved to give him or herself completely. What is this complex feeling which, deep down, is the only reason we continue to live, struggle and improve?
---yes it is a complex feeling. Whatever type of love...it's the reason we continue to live.
It would be irresponsible of me to attempt to define it, because I, along with every other human being, can only feel it. Thousands of books have been written on the subject, plays have been put on, films produced, poems composed, sculptures carved out of wood or marble; and yet all any artist can convey is the idea of a feeling, not the feeling itself.
But I have learned that this feeling is present in the small things, and manifests itself in the most insignificant of our actions. It is necessary, therefore, to keep love always in mind, regardless of whether or not we take action.
Picking up the phone and saying the affectionate words we have been postponing. Opening the door to someone who needs our help. Accepting a job. Leaving a job. Taking a decision that we were putting off for later. Asking forgiveness for a mistake we made and which keeps niggling at us. Demanding a right that is ours. Opening an account at the local florist's, which is a far more important shop than the jeweller's. Putting music on really loud when the person you love is far away, and turning the volume down when he or she is near. Knowing when to say 'yes' and 'no', because love works with all our energies. Discovering a sport that can be played by two. Not following any recipe, not even those contained in this paragraph, because love requires creativity.
And when none of this is possible, when all that remains is loneliness, then remember this story that a reader once sent to me.
A rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals.
The flower, however, continued to dream. During the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun.
One night, the moon, who knew of the rose's loneliness, asked: 'Aren't you tired of waiting?'
'Possibly, but I have to keep trying.'
'Why?'
'Because if I don't remain open, I will simply fade away.'
At times, when loneliness seems to crush all beauty, the only way to resist is to remain open.
So, why not love right? 'cause the worst feeling is the feeling of not feeling anything at all. It's the saddest. So, for anybody who feel this way, please remember this story. :)
from LIKE THE FLOWING RIVER by Paulo Coelho
There are times when we long to be able to help someone whom we love very much, but we can do nothing. Circumstances will not allow us to approach them, or the person is closed off to any gesture of solidarity and support.
Then all we are left with is love. At such times, when we can do nothing else, we can still love - without expecting any reward or change or gratitude.
---These first lines are just for real. Sometimes the issue is not about the person not wanting your love, but your role in their lives that will allow you to do what you want to do. Simply...you're not the one who's gonna do it. It's somebody's role.
If we do this, the energy of love will begin to transform the universe about us. Wherever this energy appears, it always achieves its ends. 'Time does not transform man. Will power does not transform man. Love transforms,' says Henry Drummond.
I read in the newspaper about a little girl in Brasília who was brutally beaten by her parents. As a result, she lost all physical movement, as well as the ability to speak.
Once admitted to hospital, she was cared for by a nurse who said to her every day: 'I love you.' Although the doctors assured her that the child could not hear and that all her efforts were in vain, the nurse continued to say: 'Don't forget, I love you.'
Three weeks later, the child recovered the power of movement. Four weeks later, she could again talk and smile. The nurse never gave any interviews, and the newspaper did not publish her name, but let me set this down here, so that we never forget: love cures.
Love transforms and love cures; but, sometimes, love builds deadly traps and can end up destroying a person who had resolved to give him or herself completely. What is this complex feeling which, deep down, is the only reason we continue to live, struggle and improve?
---yes it is a complex feeling. Whatever type of love...it's the reason we continue to live.
It would be irresponsible of me to attempt to define it, because I, along with every other human being, can only feel it. Thousands of books have been written on the subject, plays have been put on, films produced, poems composed, sculptures carved out of wood or marble; and yet all any artist can convey is the idea of a feeling, not the feeling itself.
But I have learned that this feeling is present in the small things, and manifests itself in the most insignificant of our actions. It is necessary, therefore, to keep love always in mind, regardless of whether or not we take action.
Picking up the phone and saying the affectionate words we have been postponing. Opening the door to someone who needs our help. Accepting a job. Leaving a job. Taking a decision that we were putting off for later. Asking forgiveness for a mistake we made and which keeps niggling at us. Demanding a right that is ours. Opening an account at the local florist's, which is a far more important shop than the jeweller's. Putting music on really loud when the person you love is far away, and turning the volume down when he or she is near. Knowing when to say 'yes' and 'no', because love works with all our energies. Discovering a sport that can be played by two. Not following any recipe, not even those contained in this paragraph, because love requires creativity.
And when none of this is possible, when all that remains is loneliness, then remember this story that a reader once sent to me.
A rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals.
The flower, however, continued to dream. During the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun.
One night, the moon, who knew of the rose's loneliness, asked: 'Aren't you tired of waiting?'
'Possibly, but I have to keep trying.'
'Why?'
'Because if I don't remain open, I will simply fade away.'
At times, when loneliness seems to crush all beauty, the only way to resist is to remain open.
So, why not love right? 'cause the worst feeling is the feeling of not feeling anything at all. It's the saddest. So, for anybody who feel this way, please remember this story. :)
Monday, June 22, 2009
L. M. N. O. Please
Please...please...please... I just need peace. I don't want to explain myself anymore, nor defend. apart from the reason that it's one thing I'm not good at.
Since last week i've been having this so-called happy mood, like I feel a weird rush of blood in my heart, like having butterflies in your stomach, like your cheeks felt a little tension because you can't put down your smile, and you just don't care if you look like a moron---these, that I've never felt for quite a long time...well, I felt this...but this one is huge, this one is something present and real...well, at least literally real. I just don't get some people who seems to not like it when they see you happy, most importantly when they know they weren't the reason of it. If they can't be happy for you, why can't they just shut up. Blah.blah.blah..... it's not that I don't care, nor I want to cut you out,it's just that my mind wants you , but what it'd like more than anything right NOW is to just float and savor love... without you in it.
Since last week i've been having this so-called happy mood, like I feel a weird rush of blood in my heart, like having butterflies in your stomach, like your cheeks felt a little tension because you can't put down your smile, and you just don't care if you look like a moron---these, that I've never felt for quite a long time...well, I felt this...but this one is huge, this one is something present and real...well, at least literally real. I just don't get some people who seems to not like it when they see you happy, most importantly when they know they weren't the reason of it. If they can't be happy for you, why can't they just shut up. Blah.blah.blah..... it's not that I don't care, nor I want to cut you out,it's just that my mind wants you , but what it'd like more than anything right NOW is to just float and savor love... without you in it.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Across the Universe mood
I fell in love with this musical film! As well as to Joe Anderson and Jim Sturgess! <3
Plus..plus...plus...the tracks are so awesome! I've been playing it way too much!haha :D
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Vingt Sept
Mate, nothing beats with the rush of feeling when you're inside the elevator with your love interest. haha I like the awkward silence inside, and suddenly you burst out some random words like "so....what's your plan tomorrow?" just 'cause you don't want to be obvious around him. Gaud. How come i didn't figure earlier that there's an S attraction there?!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I (just) Miss Adam
Kaysa ang magpantasya ng isang hindi mahawakang realidad
Ang Adan ni Eba na sumasayaw sa kanyang sariling musika
Ay hindi marinig ang aking matalinhagang kanta
Isang araw at isang malakas na harurot
Bahong tambol ang kaba sa asul na suot
Ngunit may tunog ng silindro na pumawi sa kaba
Naganap na ang pagkikita ni Adan at ni Eba
Hingal sa pag-abang sa ilalim ng punong mangga
Makita lamang ang maganda mong mukha
Mga matang nahihiya't nais tumitig
Ay pinipigil ng pusong mabilis na pumipintig
Hindi maipaliwanag, hindi mawari
Mga ngiti mong unti-unting umuukit
Ilang taon? Isang dekada?
Kailangan na nating magkakilala
Patuloy na dadaan sa ilalim ng mga punong mangga
Makikipaglaro sa buhangin hanggang ang swelas ko'y pudpod na
Sa 'di kalayuang sulok ay nakaupo't naghihintay si Adan
Palihim na tinitingnan si Ebang dumaraan.
(for Adam)
Friday, June 5, 2009
Sleepyhead?
ANTUKIN by Rico Blanco
Iniwan ka na ng eroplano
Ok lang baby
Wag kang magbago
Dito ka lang humimbing
Sa aking piling, antukin.
Kukupkupin nalang kita
Sorry wala ka nang magagawa
Mahalin mo nalang ako ng sobra sobra.
Para patas naman tayo. Diba?
Sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan
Ng walang takot at walang pangamba
Tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan
Kung ayaw may dahilan
Kung gusto palaging merong paraan
Pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula
Hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda
Buti nalang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa
pag ibig na pursigido't matyaga.
Long as we stand as one
Ano man ang ating makabangga
Nothing will ever break us
Wala talaga. As in wala!
Hahalikan nalang natin ang kinabukasan
Ng buong loob at yayakapin pa
Tadhana'y medyo overrated kung minsan
Kung ayaw may dahilan.Kung gusto palaging merong paraan.
Gumawa nalang tayo ng paraan
Gumawa nalang tayo ng...
Baby, gumawa nalang tayo ng paraan. :)
---------------------------------------------
Inaantok na'ko! pero...Wee! Ang sarap ng weather ngayon! Sunny and windy! Just perfect! It's nice to walk around the city. Plus today ends our 3rd week...sooo, almost 6 weeks to go! :D
Iniwan ka na ng eroplano
Ok lang baby
Wag kang magbago
Dito ka lang humimbing
Sa aking piling, antukin.
Kukupkupin nalang kita
Sorry wala ka nang magagawa
Mahalin mo nalang ako ng sobra sobra.
Para patas naman tayo. Diba?
Sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan
Ng walang takot at walang pangamba
Tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan
Kung ayaw may dahilan
Kung gusto palaging merong paraan
Pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula
Hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda
Buti nalang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa
pag ibig na pursigido't matyaga.
Long as we stand as one
Ano man ang ating makabangga
Nothing will ever break us
Wala talaga. As in wala!
Hahalikan nalang natin ang kinabukasan
Ng buong loob at yayakapin pa
Tadhana'y medyo overrated kung minsan
Kung ayaw may dahilan.Kung gusto palaging merong paraan.
Gumawa nalang tayo ng paraan
Gumawa nalang tayo ng...
Baby, gumawa nalang tayo ng paraan. :)
---------------------------------------------
Inaantok na'ko! pero...Wee! Ang sarap ng weather ngayon! Sunny and windy! Just perfect! It's nice to walk around the city. Plus today ends our 3rd week...sooo, almost 6 weeks to go! :D
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Ahh La La Laaaa Rain!
Week is almost over, and I am nearly surviving in my third week in AA. Kinda enjoying it, but uh! not the papercuts i got, and though i bleed my eyes for almost 9 hours staying in front of the humby gumby computer. And rainy season is almost starting, so basically I need a new umbrella, a more reliable one.haha ehm, i need more jacket too, boots, and a new good set of music 'cause I can't bare to stay in thebus watching the traffic without it. Baaaaaahh :/
3:13... 2 hours and 32 minutes more
3:13... 2 hours and 32 minutes more
Monday, June 1, 2009
When Fresh meets Rot
I started a new blog, but I don't even have a single word to write now. Please excuse me for that, besides my blog is not for entertaining people. I just want a new one. A loud blog, a happy one.
It's September, and I'm thinking about Toilets. (from last year)
If toilets have emotions, how would they feel? Are they going to feel upset and blubber to their toilet friends, just the same as some poignant Librans? Are they going to feel happy for the reason that they feel functional for people, or perhaps, because they are pleased with the scene? Now that's rude for a toilet. If they had to opt who can use them, am I going to be incorporated in the list? Are they gloomy, because they don't know what it feels like to be human? If they can subsist just like humans, just like a rich, otherwise a poor citizen, are they going to do the same thing to human? We seem to get a lot of reimbursement and comfort from a toilet, while they get nothing from us. Nothing but crap and stinky runny substance.
Public toilets are better-off than the ones in our houses. It is because they know a lot about each thing, as if they belong and can walk in harmony with us, like if they can talk, they can have the smartest judgment and advice than the whiz kid. Politics, gossips, sins, heartbreaks, showbiz issues, drug deals, and all the possible wonderful and otherwise nasty things people can carry out in the toilet. Maybe they don't comprehend, but they are one experienced scene that observes more than what a human eye can watch and attest.
Private toilets are more fortunate than the latter. Owners keep them spotlessly clean and friendly. They even have these fancy chandeliers hanging and tubs to be filled with milk or chamomile bath, velvet draperies, and scented candles. Usually, they are not called toilets and to some, it's rude to say those. They are even painted nicely and have fine-looking lightings. But some can be ignorant once they belong to a hushed owner or those workaholics who spend much time outdoors. Some even witness those horrifyingly suicides of their allies and invariably absorb the guilt because they had done nothing. Most of the time, they don't have company reading magazines or newspapers, and infrequently smell that savoring reek for them. They live quietly, seems perfect, if not, just alright; but unexciting.
At times, the most deserted ones serves as room for astray ghosts. I strongly think about it. Their walls can be blackboards or even classrooms for the lost kids who are looking for the impression of love. Spray paint on different colors were written or drawn on its walls. Sometimes it is art, sometimes it's not.
It's a toilet, no emotions, just built from cements with floor and wall coverings. Just that, nothing else. No soul, no heart, no mind, neither thoughts nor sensation. But, one day, they will make history. And each of their essence will bea transit for every user.
Now, I bet three-fourths of anyone trying to glance is asking why would I write about toilets. I don't know too. I think it has something to do with impulse, like if you wanted to write about poo, or anything else that you think nonsensical but you take a rain check 'cause some might censure it, oh! You still drop that and you proceed on these stuffs you find interesting while others don't. These stuff are clogging my mind instead of something else, like notebooks? PDF files that I can hardly open…technical committee I'm in…20 pages readings…back to back…with a font size of 8 Arial to be specific!! Man! My eyes are bleeding now and it's 31 more days before I'll be out of stress again! And it's 23:17 here now and I got only 6 more hours to get a bunk. I'd hate it very much if tomorrow España will be part of the Pacific Ocean for the............ I can no longer count how many times. Goodnight!
Public toilets are better-off than the ones in our houses. It is because they know a lot about each thing, as if they belong and can walk in harmony with us, like if they can talk, they can have the smartest judgment and advice than the whiz kid. Politics, gossips, sins, heartbreaks, showbiz issues, drug deals, and all the possible wonderful and otherwise nasty things people can carry out in the toilet. Maybe they don't comprehend, but they are one experienced scene that observes more than what a human eye can watch and attest.
Private toilets are more fortunate than the latter. Owners keep them spotlessly clean and friendly. They even have these fancy chandeliers hanging and tubs to be filled with milk or chamomile bath, velvet draperies, and scented candles. Usually, they are not called toilets and to some, it's rude to say those. They are even painted nicely and have fine-looking lightings. But some can be ignorant once they belong to a hushed owner or those workaholics who spend much time outdoors. Some even witness those horrifyingly suicides of their allies and invariably absorb the guilt because they had done nothing. Most of the time, they don't have company reading magazines or newspapers, and infrequently smell that savoring reek for them. They live quietly, seems perfect, if not, just alright; but unexciting.
At times, the most deserted ones serves as room for astray ghosts. I strongly think about it. Their walls can be blackboards or even classrooms for the lost kids who are looking for the impression of love. Spray paint on different colors were written or drawn on its walls. Sometimes it is art, sometimes it's not.
It's a toilet, no emotions, just built from cements with floor and wall coverings. Just that, nothing else. No soul, no heart, no mind, neither thoughts nor sensation. But, one day, they will make history. And each of their essence will bea transit for every user.
Now, I bet three-fourths of anyone trying to glance is asking why would I write about toilets. I don't know too. I think it has something to do with impulse, like if you wanted to write about poo, or anything else that you think nonsensical but you take a rain check 'cause some might censure it, oh! You still drop that and you proceed on these stuffs you find interesting while others don't. These stuff are clogging my mind instead of something else, like notebooks? PDF files that I can hardly open…technical committee I'm in…20 pages readings…back to back…with a font size of 8 Arial to be specific!! Man! My eyes are bleeding now and it's 31 more days before I'll be out of stress again! And it's 23:17 here now and I got only 6 more hours to get a bunk. I'd hate it very much if tomorrow España will be part of the Pacific Ocean for the............ I can no longer count how many times. Goodnight!
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